having it all?

i was looking thru the october issue of essence today and came across a fashion layout featuring sisters in fabulous fall knits- all of whom are very successful in the corporate, publishing, entertainment and entrepreneurial arenas. as in most articles like this, i saw a photo of someone i've interacted with both personally and professionally. i happened to be visiting a colleague's office at the time and said (half under my breath, but evidently just loud enough to be heard) "how do these sisters get this recognition? at the height of my career, i didn't get that kind of publicity. how can i be down?" my friend interjected that these women simply do what i refuse to do, which is put the advancement of my career above all else - including (or in her words, especially) family.

this got me thinking - in order to be successful professionally, is it really necessary to put your career first at all costs in order to move up the ladder and get the recognition you deserve? whether it's in magazines, self-help books, television or radio, at women's conferences and business seminars, we're constantly told we can "have it all," but can we?

on the one hand, most professional women i know live very full lives. they have husbands, lovers, or partners and children and very active family lives and appear to simultaneously handle everything with finesse. on the other hand, i've also known women who put family first to the detriment, and sometimes the demise, of their careers. while still others have chosen to give up their careers entirely in order to raise their children and take care of their families. however, above all else, i know that as women we still work twice as hard to be taken half as serious for half the reward in the business world.

in spite of that, i don't think my friend had a clue. i like to believe that she was speaking more about her personal decisions - not to have children, not to remarry or build a relationship with someone new, not maintaining close relationships with her immediate family, to live/eat/sleep/breathe business - than actually making an informed comment. while i'm not trying to psychoanalyze her, i will say that our biggest misunderstandings have happened when she couldn't understand why i was (and remain) unwilling to drop everything for a client, or to be on call 24/7. or understand why taking my grandmother to a doctor's appointment and spending time with her was my most important "appointment" of the day when clearly there are other people in my family who can take the lead. why going to all my step kid's special events and spending bonding time with just the 2 of us is just as important as any business decisions that need to be made during the day. why spending time with my husband is as crucial as spending time building my business.

i won't lie, making time for all of that can be extremely tiring. some days, it takes all my strength to just get up and take on the day. but on other days, everything comes together effortlessly. sometimes i believe that "having it all" is more of a marketing slogan penned by companies selling "solutions" to problems that plague time-starved feminists and "women who do too much." so that brings me back to the initial question... is is necessary to put your career first at all costs to be what is considered "successful?" i like to think you can have both a great career and a great family life. in fact, it's the support i get from my family which gives me the strength to pursue the career. truth be told, i prefer "having most of it" to "having it all." while we may not have the ability to be all things to all people, we do have the ability to multitask. and most of the time, we manage to do it pretty well.

on a completely unrelated sidenote:
not sure if this is the last thing i'm going to post about the recall or not, but i have 2 things to say:
(1) statistics (polls, surveys, etc.) can be made to prove or disprove any point. just depends on who you ask.
(2) look at the source of the stats before you believe the bullshit they espouse.

Comments

[Jason]

a friend was just telling me yesterday that a woman she works with was being thought of negatively by the managerial staff because she refused to come to work on a saturday because it was her son's birthday.

The manager told her that he had 4 children and that, if need be, he would've brought them in to work rather than take the day off.

Makes one say hmmm...

or makes you say, "What in the holy hell?"

[RedHeadDread]

Is the question how do those sisters get into a fashion spread? Usually it's because they are photogenic friends/acquaintances of the person/people in charge of the photo shoot. Notice how the subjects are rarely/never based in smaller cities?

Success is a tricky thing to define. I know that what most mainstream folks would define as success would make me want to jump out of a window. And when I'm happiest with my life, I'm living so small that those same folks would be feeling claustrophobic. The real questions seem to be, are you happy? At the end of your life are you going to have major regrets about the way you spent your time? Are you treating the people you love well, and vice versa? If the answer to these questions is yes, then that sounds like a successful life to me, but I've come to accept that I'm just an unamerican freak in certain respects.

[A.J.]

my friend interjected that these women simply do what i refuse to do, which is put the advancement of my career above all else - including (or in her words, especially) family.

The truth is that your friend has NO IDEA how those women got ahead and she is projecting her own value system on them.

The recipe for insanity is comparing your life to some stereotype of success. It's like trying to live like you are in a rap video. It's not real. Having it all is some made up shit.

Like RedHeadDred said, the measure of success is are you happy? Period.

[annie j.]

Great post.

I agree with RedHeadDread in that each person defines success by their own terms.

You seem to be pretty level-headed and know what you want to accomplish in your personal life as well as in your professional life, which is something that is very difficult for women to do, especially. On one page, we're told that we can have both a successful/rewarding career and a great family, but then we flip to the next page and daunting statistics are thrown at us saying we have to choose between one or the other.

It seems that women still have to decide on either having a family or having a career. It is my hope that as more women are able to "balance" both family and career, they will share their experiences and work together to make it possible for more (and eventually, all) women to have both as well. Women who are already in this position need to talk to other women and let them know the steps they took to get to where they are today. We need more support and more discussions.

We also need to get the men involved.

I've always wanted to have a career and early on I decided that I would "sacrifice" the possibility of having a family. Luckily, I met a partner that is willing to support me in my efforts to gain and retain a career, as he will help raise and care for the children while I will focus on my career. That is assuming, of course, that we would be able to survive on one income for at least the first few years of our children's lives. We'll see how it all works out!

The balancing act is difficult sometimes. I have no idea how my mother did it.

I'm glad you've raised this issue.

It's funny, though, that this sort of conversation takes place between women and not men. This, too, needs to be addressed. I've never had a man confess to me he's worried he may not be able to handle both his career and his family. I've never had a man tell me he had to quit his job to take care of his children.

Will this ever change?

Discourse like this is a great start.